Success Redefined

Make no doubt about it – we are inundated with messages about what success is. It begins early. Walking at 10 months is a triumph; at 14 months not so much. We go to school and immediately are immersed in a world that grades all efforts. Get an A and all is good, a B not so much. Get a D or an F and hang your head is shame.  Children begin competing at an early age, with elaborate traveling schedules designed to crown some as champions and others as not.

Our society sends pretty clear messages about how success is measured. And if you are like me, there are times I’ve felt I was a dismal failure and other times I’ve felt on top of the world. Take a look – I suspect you’ve measured yourself by any one of these measures more than once:

• Size of our paycheck
• Amount of money in the bank
• Size, location and amenities of our homes
• Status of our jobs
• Praise or adoration of others
• How hard we work

External metrics of success dominate. Joy, contentment, service, or peace don’t make the list. The more internal or the more it has to do with a “feeling”, the less likely it is to be used publicly as a measure of success. But internal and external measures of success are not always in perfect alignment.

Sure, you might have a 10,000 square foot house with six bedrooms, seven baths and a state of the art kitchen – but are you really successful if the house is a burden of time and money and you never really feel “at home” there? And you may have a high status job that pays six figures and hefty bonuses – but are you really successful if you if hate the work and have too little energy left after your 70 hour week to do anything but crash?

I suspect that there are reasons society defines some things as successful, as they help the community as a whole. Marriage provides stability and a place to raise young ones. Parenthood ensures the survival of the species. Holding a job enables needed work to be done and enables sustainability.  Those that seek a different path are seen as odd (at the least) or threatening (on the extreme).

These external forces can be positive. If it was up to me, I would not have gone to college. But my Dad prevailed, I obliged – and it was a life changing and life enhancing move. Without the encouragement of a past boss, I would not have taken a promotion, which opened the doors for many good things to follow.  So, if left to our own, we may aim too low, miss opportunities and underestimate what we can achieve.

Therein lies the yin and yang of defining success by the prevailing external measures. It can either challenge us – or overwhelm us. It can motivate us – or defeat us. It can cause us to do things that are in our ultimate best interest – or ignore inner wisdom that is counter to the norm.

It seems to me that we need to balance the outer definition of success with an inner one. A more personal one. One that has to do more with being than with doing. With quality rather than quality. With the inner as much as the outer.

We can take our earlier list and look at it through a different filter:

• Size of our impact vs. the size of our paycheck
• Living within our means vs. amount of money in the bank
• Comfort of our homes vs. the grandeur of our homes
• Personal satisfaction of our jobs rather than the external status
• Inner validation vs. external fame
• How much we accomplish vs. how many hours we work

This path requires more of us. Searching. Introspection. Testing. Courage. Letting go. Feeling. Experimenting. Persevering. It is never easy to go against the norm; to forge you own path; to define success on your own terms.

We’ve all heard the story told that no one on their deathbed has ever wished that they spent more time in the office. And the deathbed, I think, is the ultimate place to size up your success. As you look back over your life as the end draws near, how successful will you have judged yourself to be? What can you do now to look back and be satisfied that yours was a life well lived? Not other people’s vision for your life, but your own. A life that you cultivated with intention, lived fully, and had your signature flair evident. One that was successful – in only the way you define success.

Here is how one really smart man defined success. What is your measure of success?

Success
by Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends
To appreciate beauty
To find the best in others
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived
This is to have succeeded.