There are times in life we get stuck. We dislike where we are. It might be in our career, in a relationship, or in a specific geography. We might not like our current employer, boss or customers, yet don’t see any other options.
I’ve been there – and I have had plenty of conversations with people who are stuck and want some help getting unstuck. What I’ve noticed is that there is a consistent pattern that accompanies the “getting stuck” times both with me and with others. Breaking this pattern is the first step to freedom and perhaps the most important one.
The “I’m stuck” Pattern
See if you can find the pattern in this common dialog:
“I’m needing to make a change. I hate my job.”
“Why is that?”
“My boss stinks. The company doesn’t appreciate me. And I am capable of doing so much more. There has to be something better out there.”
“What type of job and company are you looking for?”
“A good one. I don’t know exactly, but it has to be better than this one. I want to like what I do and get paid well for my work.”
“What do you like to do?”
“Well, I could do about anything, if given a chance. I know I don’t want to do what I’m currently doing. There has to be something better.”
“What have you done so far to make things better in your current job?”
“I let the folks in HR know that I wanted a new job, but they haven’t found anything different for me.”
“What type of job are you hoping they find for you?”
“Well, a better one. One that uses my skills and talents and passions.”
“Hmmm…..tell me about what skills, talents and passions you have.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m pretty good at relationships and I like doing meaningful work.”
And so the conversation goes on. And while it is easy to see when others have a lack of focus and clarity AND when they are expecting others to do their work, it is also easy to fall into the same traps ourselves, where we:
- Know what we don’t want, but can’t articulate what we do want
- Have no clear idea of where we are aiming
- Blame others for the place we find ourselves
- Look for others to rescue us
The example above talked about being stuck in a job but similar conversations occur every single hour of every single day on a myriad of topics. About poor financial performance. About underperforming teams. About failed relationships. About social problems. About anywhere we find ourselves not getting the results we want and not doing anything differently.
The Process of Getting Unstuck
There is no magic in getting unstuck. Getting unstuck takes work and accountability. But, first and foremost, it takes a clear description of what you DO want instead of what you DON’T want. Without this clarity, people get trapped in a pattern of repeated failure. They get unstuck for a bit and then re-stuck again. They hop from one job that they hate to the next job they hate and then on to the next one, which they hate as well. This pattern may feel like movement, and in some ways it is, but it is not the same as getting unstuck. It is wasted effort and aimless wandering. It is spinning your wheels and not getting any traction.
Moving toward something is much more productive than moving away from something. The challenge, however, is how to know what we are moving toward. Envisioning what you want is work that requires introspection, exploration, and a dose of vulnerability.
There are times that you just don’t know. These times require exploring and learning.
There are other times when you are afraid to pursue what you really want. These times require courage, acts of faith, and movement.
If your problem is not knowing what you want, try any one of these tactics to get clarity:
- Do an energy audit. Observe and then note (journals are great for this) – when you are energized, alive and enjoying what you doing. Note the opposite – what drains your spirit and energy. After a few weeks, patterns will emerge. Discern what is common about your positive energy activities – and find ways to do more of those activities and less of those that drain you.
- Assess. Find ways to get some objective data about your situation. If you are stuck financially, have a financial advisor look at your situation. If you are stuck in your career, have a coach administer a personal assessment tool and debrief the results. Not matter where you are stuck, there will be a neutral outsider with expertise that can help you see what is happening with more clarity and will help you find a path forward.
- Explore. Ask good questions. Wrestle with the answers. Interview others. Job shadow if you are considering a job change. Read. Take note of what successful people are doing in those areas you are stuck.
- Subtract. In those times when you don’t know what to do, begin the process of elimination. You can begin by creating a list of all the things you DON’T want to continue or to consider. Try a few things – and take them off the list as appropriate. Review what you are subtracting. What patterns do you see?
Moving You Forward
If your problem is fear of moving forward, these things can help you:
- Use peer pressure. Announce what you are aiming to do to those who will support you and will hold you accountable. Get a coach. Form a team around you to help, goad, nudge and push you as needed.
- Just do something. The first step is often the hardest. It does not have to big, however one must start. Start small, but start, and remember the first step can be learning or assessing.
- Remove obstacles. There will be plenty of things getting in your way. It may be money, experience, education. It may be your own “head trash”. Know that there is no “instant success” – and diligently remove obstacles, one at a time.
- Learn from the Pros. Our own internal resistance is for many the biggest obstacle. There are two books that “kick me in the butt” every time that happens (and it happens frequently). They are Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.
Without doubt, we all get stuck at times. The key question is this: Are you willing to do the work to get unstuck? If not, can you live with the alternative?
I’d love to hear from you. What do you do when you are stuck? Please share!
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