I came across this thought from Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD as I reread Women Who Run with the Wolves – and it struck me as the reason I’m so enamored with questions:
Asking the proper question is the central action of transformation – in fairy tales, in analysis, and in individuation. The key question causes germination of consciousness. The properly shaped question always emanates from an essential curiosity about what stands behind it. Questions are the keys that cause the secret doors of the psyche to swing open.
For many years I’ve seen the power of the right question at the right time. In my coaching work. At the times when I (or others) are stuck and can’t find a way forward. In fact, I have an entire retreat designed around only questions!
Pinkola Este’s quote summed up why I’m such a big fan of questions. Questions open us up to see different perspectives and consider new ideas, approaches, and possibilities. They cause us to pause and think more deeply and broadly. They show us that there is not just one answer; at least, really good questions do. They get us unstuck in our thinking, beliefs, and biases, which is often the reason we were stuck in the first place.
The best questions:
- Are open to multiple answers
- Force us to go deep within
- Are not easily answered, require reflection
- Are unsettling by design
- Are ambiguous
Awful questions:
- Assume one correct answer
- Are solutions designed in a question
- Have an obvious answer
- Are delivered in a condescending tone
Here is a quick list of some of my favorite questions:
- What would it look like if this was easy?
- What would need to happen by (future date) for you to be happy with the progress you’ve made? (thanks Dan Sullivan)
- What are three other plausible stories you could tell about this situation?
- What might it look like from the other (or another) person’s perspective?
- What is your role in the situation you currently find yourself in?
- What did you fail to see (or do) that got you to this place?
- What does a wildly successful outcome look like?
- What is holding you back?
- What is your greatest hope?
- What is your greatest fear?
- When have you been in a similar situation in the past? What did you do and learn then?
- Why is this important to you?
- Ten years from now, how important is this issue or problem?
- What is a good next step?
- What is standing in your way?
Of course, there is an art (and a fair amount of EQ) to ask the right question at the right time for the current situation. As such, good question-asking requires excellent listening and empathy. It asks that we tamp down our ego and forego our story, advice, and overcome our need to get to closure quickly and neatly.
For the best questions invite wandering, exploration, and the ability to be in a place of not knowing. Yet if we have the patience and fortitude to stay in that place, if we are willing to go beyond the surface to the heart of things, something begins to emerge. From the shadows come glimmers of insights. New thoughts begin to emerge. Possibilities unfold. Insights can be had.
There are times when journaling can help you in the solitary pursuit of exploring provocative questions. There are other times when having a thinking partner so that you can “think out loud” moves you further and with deeper insights.
That is why I’m a big fan of coaching and search for coaches to work with our clients who can listen deeply, ask the right questions, and walk clients into deeper insights. It’s why I’ve honed a Clarity Circle process, where we convene a group of peers who help leaders create keen insights on their thorniest problems, using a diversity of views and nothing more than questions. That’s why I offer a Questions Only retreat when you need to take a group through transformational thinking. (Contact me if you’d like to learn more about any of these!).
So, I’ll end with two questions. Please respond to either.
- What is a question that has been transformational for you?
- Do you have a “go to” question that helps you when you are stuck?
