I had a big breakthrough last week! I said no to three separate requests all on the same day. And contrary to my fears, I didn’t feel guilty, lazy, or uncaring. I didn’t spend one minute second-guessing my decisions. Instead, I felt lighter. More focused. Relieved and empowered.
I’ve always tended to be a “yes” person. Just ask me, and I’m there to help. I’ll jump through hoops, rearrange my schedule, and somehow, no matter how challenging, find a way to honor your request of me.
It might take multiple sessions with a therapist to unearth all the reasons why I am so challenged to say no. Some is due to my natural desire to be helpful. Some is my, at times unhealthy, desire to be liked, and an unfounded fear that saying no would damage relationships. And I’m certain that some is my upbringing and the overstory about the role of women in our culture.
No matter the reasons, I do know that I’m not the only one with a propensity for my mouth to say yes when my body is screaming no. Saying no is a coaching goal for many of my clients. I actually have a 60-minute workshop on saying no, that is a great hit with professional audiences.
Not that I’m an expert, but I would like to share a few things that I’ve learned along the way!
First and foremost, knowing what you want to say yes to is critical to an artful no. When you are crystal clear about your priorities and commit to them, you have created a powerful way to gauge your response to a request. If it aligns or fits with your priorities, it’s a full-throated yes. If not, it is an equally full-throated no.
For example, if spending more time with family is a top priority, it’s very easy to say no to the board position that requires you to give up several evenings a month. If you are responsible for one mission-critical project at work, you have a valid reason to say no to the ad hoc task force on an unrelated matter.
Secondly, it helps to have the humility to acknowledge that you are not the ONLY person who can do this task. It may be flattering that you were asked. You may truly know that you’d do a kick ass job with this. Yet when you believe that if it’s not you or that others will make a mess of things, your ego is getting in the way.
Notice when your ego is being stroked. Flattered that they asked you? If so, you can just make a note of it rather than feeling obligated to say yes. Thoughts racing in your head about how no one will do this as well as you? Challenge the thought and ask yourself if it is a clean desire to say yes or your own hubris.
A clear no may actually cause people to like and respect you more than a half-hearted or resentful yes. Others will know that when you say yes, it is a considered response and that you’ll follow through. They will see you as a person of integrity who is able to set boundaries.
Finally, there are many ways to say no to the original request and still be of service. Finding what you can and are willing to do can be even more helpful than saying yes when you are uncommitted, overextended, and doing something out of obligation. Perhaps you do a smaller part. Or make a referral to someone else that would be appropriate for this work. Or there may be a way you can contribute in a different way (think ideation, mentoring, funding, recommendations).
As with most things in life, the outcome is a combination of your intention, coupled with your communication and actions. The art of saying no is no different. I find it helpful to have some examples of ways others have said no with firmness and flair – so here goes:
Ten Ways to Say No
Here is a list of polite but firm ways to say no to a request, useful for both professional and personal contexts:
- “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not able to commit right now.”
- “I have to say no to protect my other commitments.”
- “That’s not going to work for me, but I would encourage you to ask <name of someone you recommend>.”
- “I don’t have the capacity to do that justice. I could offer to do <a smaller part>. Would that be helpful?
- “I’ve given this some thought, and I need to decline.”
- “I’m simplifying my schedule and can’t add anything new. You could check back with me in six months.”
- “That’s a no for me, but I hope it works out beautifully for you.”
- “I’m flattered you asked and I enjoy this type of project. However, I just don’t have the bandwidth at this time to give it what it deserves.”
- Is there another way I might help that requires less time?
- No.
Great Quotes on Saying No
“You have to learn to say no without feeling guilty. Setting boundaries is how you take care of yourself.” — Oprah Winfrey
“No is a complete sentence.” — Shonda Rhimes
“If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.” — Cheryl Richardson
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” — Brené Brown
“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. That’s a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.” — Elizabeth Gilbert
“Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else.” — Glennon Doyle
“Saying no can be the ultimate self-care.” — Tara Brach
“No might make them angry but it will make you free.” — Nayyirah Waheed
“You cannot save people. You can only love them.” — Anaïs Nin
“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” — Paulo Coelho
“Every ‘yes’ is a ‘no’ to something else. Decide what you’re saying ‘no’ to when you say ‘yes.’” — James Clear
“If it isn’t a clear yes, then it’s a clear no.” — Greg McKeown
