Over time, and with increasing work responsibility and challenges inside and outside of work, I came to realize that absence of dealing with conflict has nothing to do with absence of conflict. Indeed, my artfully dodging conflict drove it deep within, where it grew a life of its own. Not only did it grow bigger and uglier, it would become a burdensome companion – with me all the time, draining energy and focus.
Little by little, I began to experiment with giving voice to that conflict, bringing it into the open, getting to resolution. I began to see what happened when I dealt openly with differences of opinion or when I owned my own voice. To my great surprise, all that had held me back from openly working through conflict did NOT happen. People still liked me. I felt better, not worse. Relationships were stronger and healthier, not torn apart. While I still had some angst about getting issues on the table, once I did confront the issue, things got better. And afterward I was lighter and happier.
Over time I’ve also learned that conflict can have two faces. One is terribly destructive and hurtful. The other is cleansing, creative and affirming. So, knowing that conflict is inevitable – in every team, every workplace, every family, every friendship – how might we harness the positive power of conflict and avoid the downsides?
It may help to compare the two faces:
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Productive Conflict |
Destructive Conflict |
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Today’s environment is ripe for divergent opinions and conflicting views. We are more diverse than ever. Our work teams most likely have individuals from around the globe rather than down the street. The pace of change is such that what worked yesterday does not work today. Confusion reigns – and with it uncertainty about direction and actions needed. The stakes are high and we feel inadequate.
When engaged in negative conflict, there are no winners. One person may prevail, but at the expense of the other and ultimately the relationship. Productive conflict can bring about creative and innovative solutions – ones that neither party could envision on their own. It can bring people together rather than tear them apart. It can heal rather than destroy. It can enable progress on the real issues rather than pouring effort and energy into defending one position and attempting to defeat the other.
Those of us in the U.S. are seeing the outcome in our political system when conflict is destructive rather than productive, when predetermined positions are more important than the well-being of the country, when blaming prevails, and accountability is in short supply.
While I would love for our politicians to change, I know that is out of my control. What is in my control is my personal ability to look at conflict through a different lens – and to practice and hone my skills in areas of conflict, to find ways to use the conflict as a positive force for a better solution by working in concert with the other. That may be a life long journey for me – but is one worth taking.
