Common wisdom advises us to “ask a busy person” when you have something that needs done. I’m not sure if this is because busy people have a way to get organized and just get things done or if it is because really busy people have not mastered the art of saying no.
Either way, as a busy person, I find myself asked to take on a variety of roles, tasks, and causes. And as a person who both enjoys new challenges and also hates to disappoint others – more often than not I say yes.
At times the yes serves me well. I do good work, enjoy the work I do, and meet amazing people. And at other times, the yes undermines my focus, well-being, and energy. I get overextended, do “less than” on many things rather than “great” on a few things, and get grouchy and resentful.
So, when the need arose to teach a group how to “say no gracefully” – I said YES! Because like usual, I knew that by teaching, I might learn. And indeed, that is the case. After leading this retreat, I’ve said no more in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 3 years.
Let me share some of the highlights of the retreat workshop and a few of the techniques, for I suspect I am not the only one who says yes too often.
Know When to Say No (or Yes!)
Point One: You have to clearly know what you want to say yes to. That means you have to be crystal clear about what is most important to you, in no uncertain terms.
Point Two: Once you are clear about the most important use of you time, talents and energy, you must guard it fiercely. In the workshop we set personal criteria, so that as requests come our way, we could weigh the request against pre-determined standards. If the request fits, accept. If the request does not, decline.
An example might help, so I’ll share some of my criteria. It is important to me to equip others to create better futures using Evergreen principles. As such, a criteria that I’ve established is that I will only work with leaders who walk side by side in helping their teams develop these skills. Want to engage me to lead a workshop for you but not be involved in any way? No thanks! Want to engage me to lead a workshop with you in which you help prepare participants, model the way, hold folks accountable to do something with the workshop content? I’m all in!
Clarity about what is most important to you and setting standards is foundational. It is the hard, soul searching work. Saying no is the act of living up to those standards. It is the tricky work. The tactical work. The easy to backslide and buckle under actions that unravel our intentions to focus on what is most important.
Tactics for Answering Requests
As such, here are a few of the tactics I’ve been using to sort requests out into those I say yes to and those I gracefully decline.
Use Your Criteria to Make Quicker Decisions
I found that once I had my criteria, deciding became 1000% easier. I had a way to evaluate the request in advance of the request, whereas in the past, I would take each request and spend time agonizing over the decision. And the decisions I would make without this criteria were based on rather flimsy reasons – things like evaluating how busy I was or how the requester might feel about “me” if I said no to their request.
Share Your Reason
Now that I have clear criteria, it is easy to explain my no. In clear terms. In ways that honor who I am and where I am focused. And to date, each and every no I’ve exercised has met with graciousness and understanding once my reason was clear.
Make More Use of Office Auto Responders
We tend to use Out of Office (OOO) for vacations and holiday. Consider using OOO for other times as well. For example:
Working on a big project this week. I’ll get to your messages starting next week.
Devoting all my time in the next month to XYZ. If this is an emergency, send me a text. Otherwise, know that I’ll be back on the grid starting <date>.
Find an Alternative
Suggest other people who might help or ways to accomplish the task. For example, I often get asked to speak pro-bono. If the request does not meet my criteria, I think of others for whom this offer would present a great opportunity. Often they are honored to be asked and quite often they are even a better fit than I would have been.
Select Something You are Willing to Do
This is especially true for the big asks. Asked to chair the committee? Decline but agree to support it in some way. Asked for time when time is at a premium? Decline but offer some financial support. Asked for money when money is tight? Decline but offer your time. The wonderful thing about this tactic is that you define what works best for you – in terms of time, effort and task.
Be Polite, Firm, and To the Point
Avoid saying, “Let me think about this and get back to you” when you know you will say no. In my experience, that both wastes time, elicits ill feelings and also increases the likelihood of my second guessing and ultimately capitulating. Craft a short “no thanks” response and practice it in advance.
“I’m honored you thought of me. Afraid I’m not able to help you with this one.”
“Interesting project – wish you the best with it. Given my current priorities, I’m unable to help you with it, but I wish you all the best.”
Ask What You Should De-prioritize
This is a great tactic at work when you are bombarded with many requests, some from your leader and perhaps some from others. Pull together your list – and have then ask what your priorities should be in a conversation with your leader. Be certain to explore what you can take off the list and avoid coming away with a list in which everything is a number one priority.
If you’d like to do a deeper dive on focusing on what is MOST important and shedding what is not, including saying no – let’s talk. I have a great two day retreat and a number of workshops on the topic!
Note: My inspiration comes from Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.
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One Response
Great article, Kris.