Men and women alike: I encourage you to read Jessica Valenti’s article entitled “She Who Dies with the Most Likes Wins”. It is an intelligent and witty post on a phenomenon that has dogged me all my life. Jessica says it better, but here are the Cliffs Notes:
- Women, more than men, adjust their behavior to be liked.
- Likability in men positively correlates with successful leadership.
- Likability in women is negatively correlated with leadership and success.
- Of course, the double whammy is that women who are opinionated or strong (i.e. – unlikable or disagreeable) are seen negatively by others. These behaviors are described by negative words like bitchy or domineering, for women. The same behaviors are seen very differently (and positively) for men.
So as someone who likes to be liked, for whom relationships are important – what are the implications? Of course, I know that the shift has to be within me – and not outside of me. Here is my list:
- Deeply understand that a difference of opinion does NOT mean that someone won’t like me.
- Notice when I am backing down, softening my message, getting quiet due to fear that I’ll offend someone, and challenge myself to understand my thought process and subsequent actions.
- Remind myself that my best and deepest relationships are those in which I am able to show up fully as myself, push back, debate, discuss and sometimes disagree.
- Practice being true to myself – in ways that are respectful for both me and the other person.
- Know that I add more value when I am fully myself – and not a watered down version.
I am curious to hear from both women and men – what do you think?
3 Responses
I fully agree. In fact, I believe if more respectful debate would occur, relationships would be strengthened. The old adage about not discussing politics or religion has done more to divide people than to unite them. Instead of using discussion to find the policies or views on which we agree, or could compromise, we remain suspicious and intractable based on what we think we know of another’s views.
An interesting read – thanks for expanding on this difficult topic. As I get older, I continue to try to focus on being exactly who I am, regardless of the reaction of others. Learning that I don’t control the thoughts, feelings and actions of others is a lesson that requires repeated practice!
I fully agree with all you say (not having read the blog post you reference). As a man, I find that being likeable means “fitting in” to male stereotypes. If you’re a man and you don’t like football or have interests outside the typical man (imagine discussing a piece of theatre you saw over the weekend that blew you away and mentioning the nuances of the character development to your colleagues), then I find it is much harder to be taken seriously as a leader, or your skills are somehow diminished because you don’t fit a certain mold. I may take this subject and expand upon it in my own blog (with credit to you and Jessica for the idea!) about what I see as the “nice guy” phenomenon. Nice guys are likeable and might also be good leaders. But I don’t think they are taken as seriously as leaders. Because of this, I see a lot of men taking on a persona that is not true to their nature, as a way of fitting in and being taken seriously as a leader.
I think the takeaway for both men and woman is in your final line: it’s only when we are truly ourselves – not watered down-versions OR souped-up versions – that truly effective leadership can occur. The journey to authenticity is not easy and requires moment-by-moment analysis of our actions: “Am I reacting this way to get someone to like me better, to respect me more, to take me seriously? If yes, how am I feeling in this moment?” When we feel that tickle of “ugh, this isn’t me!” then it’s time to change course.
Thanks again for such a provocative post!